Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts

Friday, May 2, 2025

Mark Carney's winning campaign speech

Mark Carney's winning campaign speech (satire by Donald Bosch): 

"We are in a crisis, a crisis, a terrible crisis.  It's all Donald Trump's fault.  


Mark Carney at World Economic Forum, Davos, 2010. 
Photo by WEF. CC BY-SA 2.0, Wikimedia Commons.

"We bear no responsibility for anything that happened in the last 10 years. 

"It was Donald Trump who did not balance our budget.  

"It was Donald Trump who created inflation.  

"It was Donald Trump who increased crime in Canada. 

"It was Donald Trump who made food unaffordable and houses too. 

"It was Donald Trump who increased the number of government employees. 

"It was all Donald Trump's fault.  

"Now, stop complaining about not being able to afford your rent, complain about Donald Trump instead, and make sure you Vote Liberal."

Thursday, April 1, 2021

California children disguised as illegal migrants

Parents Disguising Kids As Illegal Immigrants So They Can Receive In-Person Teaching | Babylon Bee: 

March 31, 2021 - "Upon hearing that San Diego teachers were providing instruction to migrant children but not American citizens, many clever parents began disguising their kids as illegal immigrants in hopes that their kids could finally see the inside of a classroom.

"'OK, Aiden, remember -- if they ask you what your name is, just say, "No hablo ingles",' said one parent as she dropped her kid off near the Mexican border in Chula Vista. 'And don't pick at your fake mustache; it'll fall off'.... 

"After waving goodbye to the kids, the parents peeled out in their minivans as they experienced their first taste of freedom in over a year -- the kids happily being taught by teachers as the moms went out and got mimosas for brunch.

"Unfortunately, the kids do have to sleep in cages with foil blankets now, but the parents say it's a sacrifice well worth making."

Read more: https://babylonbee.com/news/san-diego-parents-disguising-kids-as-illegal-immigrants-so-they-can-receive-in-person-teaching

Saturday, October 19, 2019

Carlson & Graham: libertarians run Washington

The bizarre fiction of libertarians' control of Washington - Bonnie Kristian, The Week:

October 9, 2019 - "It is with great pleasure that I announce to my fellow libertarians: We have won.

"We thought ourselves the acolytes of a largely ignored vision for American governance. We saw a $22 trillion national debt ... while both major parties bailed out big business, using tax dollars to paper over the consequences of bad policy calls. We watched the rise of the post-9/11 security state — mass digital surveillance, the terror watchlist, the TSA.... We wondered if these numerous and apparently permanent wars, with their deplorable carelessness about civilian casualties, war crimes, and due process, would ever end. We objected to the brutality and militarization of American law enforcement.... We talked about abolishing the Federal Reserve, ending the drug war, eliminating entire federal departments, and more, all with relatively little reason to believe our goals would ever be realized on any mass scale....

"But we were wrong! We didn't realize it, but we controlled Washington this whole time. This is big news for us, and I think we owe Fox News pundit Tucker Carlson and Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.) a huge thanks for letting us know.

"Carlson was the first to give us an inkling of our true power. 'The leadership class is resolutely libertarian,' he revealed in early June, bemoaning Washington's plentiful 'libertarian zealot[s] controlled by the banks, yammering on about entrepreneurship and how we need to cut entitlements.' Later that month, he indicated this dynamic exists because the Koch brothers are 'libertarian ideologues, passionate and inflexible' who 'run the Republican Party,' dictating the GOP platform on key issues including immigration, drug and prison policy, and free speech.

"You may find this surprising — I know I did! — as it seems to bear little resemblance to the actual state of Republican policymaking in 2019. On immigration, for example, the bulk of the GOP has followed Trump into calls for strict border security and limited refugee and immigrant admissions ... but the Koch brothers' perspective Carlson decries includes support for DACA and liberalized immigration policy more generally.... Carlson correctly noted Koch support for the First Step Act, but libertarians like yours truly deemed it a limited achievement. Is backing it anyway what it means to be ideologically 'inflexible'?.... And as for free speech, we do tend to be passionate about the First Amendment.... Rising GOP stars like Sen. Josh Hawley (R-Mo.), by contrast, back proposals that would, as National Review's David French put it, 'invite an enormous amount of bureaucratic meddling online'....

"Even more surprising for me was Graham's disclosure this week that we libertarians also control America's foreign policy. 'The Obama-libertarian foreign policy does not make America safe,' the hawkish senator tweeted Monday in response to Trump's reshuffling of U.S. troops in Syria. 'If ignoring radical Islam made America safe, there would NOT have been a 9/11.'

"I never would have guessed libertarians dictated U.S. foreign affairs not only from 2008 to 2016 but also in the run-up to 9/11. I thought we were very angry about American foreign policy in those years, always complaining about the blowback, the drone strikes, the unconstitutional executive war-making, the attacks on innocent civilians, the costly and incompetent nation-building efforts, and so on. I thought we were always raising objections to former President Barack Obama's foreign policy on pretty much every possible basis.... Little did we know we were Obama's puppet masters all along!...

"I jest, obviously, but only because it is enormously bizarre to find oneself attacked in wildly inaccurate effigy. The most plausible explanation I can muster for this fiction of libertarian power is that libertarianism is in broad strokes the opposite of the Trumpian GOP's ... current mood of state-enforced social conservatism and what Carlson has dubbed 'economic patriotism,' which we would call protectionism, corporatism, and rank profligacy....

"Libertarians may sometimes punch above our weight in national debate, but when it comes to effectively wielding power in Washington, we're weaklings. I wish Carlson and Graham were right about us running the country. The reality is they're wrong."

Read more: https://theweek.com/articles/870276/bizarre-fiction-libertarians-control-washington
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Monday, April 1, 2019

How to write "alt.right"

How To Write Like An Alt-Right “Libertarian” - Opting Out - Being Libertarian - James Smith:

April 1, 2019 - "Not making enough money from the usual libertarian channels?...  Frustrated that the philosophy of liberty has not provided the ultimate purpose for your up-to-now meaningless existence? Then you might want to get on the alt-right train. Don’t go in blind – let this be your guide to navigating your way through an alt-right libertarian article.

"Write like a German. You’re trying to sound intellectual. You want to be respectable ... to take the intellectual high ground when people come after you with pitchforks. The answer is to write as if you haven’t yet experienced a human emotion.... You are a Vulcan, unclouded by the petty emotional biases of men. You only see things through the cold hard light of reason....

"Hans-Herman Hoppe is a good example to imitate (which is convenient, since that is all you have read). His deconstructions are systematic, impersonal and irrefutable. We must write in the same way....

"Make an edgy but ultimately banal point ... go for the most politically-incorrect conclusion you can find.... It doesn’t have to be socially-acceptable. It’s better if it’s not.... Clutch as many straws as you like – when you write like Hoppe, you can make anything sound like perfect reason.

"Am I wrong? Am I wrong? When the inevitable backlash comes, the best line of defense is to repeatedly ask to be pointed out where you are incorrect. Of course, if you’ve done this well, you are not technically incorrect, merely offensive and irrelevant. Block anyone who, by some miracle, points out your error....

"Shrug your shoulders as if you’re an impartial Socratic mega-brain.... You can’t even understand why anybody would get upset at the mere truth-telling of the alt-right. We can only guess that the irrationality of man knows no bounds.

"Everyone who doesn’t agree is a commie.... Nuance is for cucks. It’s imperative to equivocate every disagreement with nothing less than global communism. The libertarian movement is being taken over by leftists.... Even the charges of fascists and Nazis don’t make sense because the Nazis were just leftists – like, duh bro.

"Be an enormous hypocrite.... You can make up for your history of heavy drinking, adultery and polyamorous love nests by peddling the most uncharitable view of alternative lifestyles. Humility is a lefty, feminine thing."

Read more: https://beinglibertarian.com/how-to-write-like-an-alt-right-libertarian-opting-out/
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Thursday, December 24, 2015

The crimes of Santa Claus

Will the Feds Bust Santa Claus? | Libertarian Party blog - George Getz:

December 25, 2008 - "When Santa Claus comes to town this week, he'd better watch out – because the federal government may be making a list of his crimes (and checking it twice), the Libertarian Party warned....

"Does Santa belong in the slammer? Instead of stuffing stockings, should he be making license plates?

"Yes ... if he's held to the same standards as a typical American. For example:
  • Every December 25, the illegal immigrant known as Santa Claus crosses the border into the United States without a passport. He carries concealed contraband, which he sneaks into the country in order to avoid inspection by the U.S. Customs Service. And just what's in all those brightly colored packages tied up with ribbons, anyway? The Drug Czar and Homeland Security want to know. 
  • Look at how this international fugitive gets around: Santa flies in a custom-built sleigh that hasn't been approved by the FAA. He never files a flight plan. He has no pilot's license. In the dark of night, he rides the skies with just a tiny bioluminescent red light to guide him – a clear violation of traffic safety regulations. 
  • Pulling Santa's sleigh: Eight tiny reindeer, a federally protected species being put to hard labor. None of these reindeer have their required shots, and Santa's never bothered to get these genetically-engineered animals registered and licensed. It's no wonder: He keeps them penned outside his workplace in a clear violation of zoning laws. 
  • But Crooked Claus the Conniving Capitalist harms more than just animals – he's hurting hard-working American laborers, too. Isn't Santa's Workshop really Santa's Sweatshop, where his non-union employees don't make minimum wage and get no holiday pay? Add the fact that OSHA has never inspected the place, and you have a Third-World elf-exploitation operation that only Kathy Lee Gifford could love. 
  • No wonder Santa is able to maintain his monopoly over the toy distribution industry: He's cornered the Christmas gift market. Santa dares to give away his products for free in a sinister attempt to crush all competition – just like Microsoft's Internet Explorer.... 
"It might be tough sledding for Jolly St. Nick this Christmas if the government decides to prosecute him."

Read more: http://www.lp.org/blogs/andrew-davis/will-the-feds-bust-santa-claus
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Saturday, April 18, 2015

People's Cube's Rand Paul denouncement page

People's Official Rand Paul Denouncement Thread - Commissarka Pinkie, People's Blog, People's Cube:

April 17, 2015 - "Welcome to the People’s Official Rand Paul Denouncement Thread™, where comrades are cordially invited to smear, trash, bash, revile, excoriate, and otherwise assassinate the character of GOP Presidential Candidate Rand Paul. We want you to have fun, and all we ask is that you do not say anything nice about him, mainly because there is nothing nice to say.

"Bad. Dangerous. Evil. Stupid. Liar. Bloodthirsty. Vile. Hypocrite. Villain. Scum. Monster. Traitor. Tyrant.... I refer, of course, to Rand Paul, who wants to steal the 2016 election. I hate Rand Paul, and you should, too. Everyone should hate him....

"Rand Paul will destroy society, civilization, and all of humanity forever. George W. Bush only destroyed everything till the end of time. But Rand Paul will take the mass destruction into infinity and beyond, and laugh the whole time he’s doing it.

"Mass starvation, homelessness, joblessness, death and disease will be everywhere. Everyone will be thrown out of their homes and onto the streets, forced to take shelter in cardboard 'Paulvilles'....

"Rand Paul is also guilty of treason because he’s one of the 47 Republicans who signed that sick, seditious letter to Iran. This already disqualifies him from the presidency. If Iran gets a nuclear weapon and uses it, you can blame Rand Paul — unless, of course, they drop it on Israel, in which case — well, you can still blame Rand Paul. No one should give Rand Paul credit for anything.

"Rand Paul hates women, which should come as no surprise since he hates everyone and everything except his own lust for power.... Why, the only reason Rand Paul is running for president is to stop Hillary, and why? Yep, you guessed it — because she’s a woman. And Rand Paul hates women. Hates them, hates them, HATES THEM!"

Read more: http://thepeoplescube.com/peoples-blog/people-s-official-rand-paul-denouncement-thread-t16231.html
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