Wednesday, August 11, 2021

Governor Cuomovirus resigns (satire)

Cuomo Resigns To Spend More Time Sexually Harassing Family | Babylon Bee
August 10, 2021 - "In a stunning press conference, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo has announced he will be resigning from his term as Governor.... 

"'It has been an honor to serve as Governor,' said Cuomo, 'But all the groping of beautiful young women and killing of senior citizens has taken my focus away from where it needs to be: on my family. Starting next month, I will retire to focus on only harassing my dear family, and killing the elderly in my own community -- something I have neglected for far too long.' 

"The speech was universally praised as 'powerful' and 'maybe even presidential' by the media, with some suggesting the disgraced governor deserves an Emmy for his powerful performance.

"To help make ends meet, Cuomo will secure a side gig running for president, now that he has harassed enough women to qualify for the position."
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Cuomo Scandal A Somber Reminder That Leaders Bad At Job Can Have Dark Side Too | The Onion:
August 10, 2021 - "Andrew Cuomo’s sexual harassment scandal and subsequent resignation reportedly served as a somber reminder Tuesday that leaders who are bad at their job can have a dark side too. 

"'You wouldn’t think someone who’s had accusations of corruption dog him throughout his political career would have this seedy personal side as well,' said New York resident Harold Barnes, adding that apparently even the career politician son of a prominent governor who got everything he ever wanted could end up being someone who apparently lacked a moral compass or sense of ethics.... 'It just goes to show ... he ... lets thousands of elderly people die needlessly — all while writing a self-aggrandizing book touting his ability to manage a pandemic that even at that very minute he is mismanaging — and yet you have no clue that he could be such a bastard behind the scenes.' 

"Sources added that the governor’s fall from grace ought to sound a note of caution to anyone venerating a manifestly awful and careless politician, lest they turn out to be an awful and careless person underneath."
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After Resigning For Sexual Harassment, Cuomo Immediately Hired By CNN - Babylon Bee:
August 10, 2021 - "Cuomo has resigned in disgrace amid accusations of sexual harassment, but the sky is still the limit for his career, as CNN immediately hired him under a multi-million-dollar contract. As soon as CNN learned the man was credibly accused of sexual harassment, they scooped him up to be an on-air personality.

"'Between his ability to lie through his teeth, cover up atrocities, and sexually harass women, we think Mr. Cuomo will be a perfect fit for our company culture here at CNN,' said CNN President Jeff Zucker. 'What a find for our cable news channel! Plus, his brother already works here, and the two have intimate knowledge of each other's scandals. Mr. Cuomo will really hit the ground running here'....

"At publishing time, CNN had confirmed the Cuomo brothers will star in a new show called 'Super Cuomo Bros.' where they jump on seniors' heads to murder them."
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